4 Poems by Raul Alvarez

Raul Alvarez


I was born to be a Christian comedian
Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
I love communion but I wish the Lord had picked coffee and donuts as his body and blood
Do you ever praise God like a Jello salad? Get all wiggly jiggly for Jesus?
These jokes set a fun tone for my fans
These jokes fucking kill
But there is always the shift
I have to share what I’ve learned from my friend
His name is Chad, he is in my small group, and he is a manager at the Enterprise Rent-A-Car off I-90
Chad knows all about the occult because he bought a book
The book is titled Everything Satan Doesn’t Want You to Know about the Occult
I find the most vulnerable person in the audience
Satanists use Christian blood to become stronger wizards
Satanists cut off the genitals of children because they are sex maniacs
I am in love with the dental assistant in the seventh pew
Satanists don’t care about how much fun you had at the summer fellowship barbeque
First Nebraska Agape Worship Hall has stopped laughing for over 5 minutes
I picked the right day to try a new deodorant because it is super-hot in here
She is looking down at her feet or maybe at a hymnal or one of those tiny envelopes
You know where else is hot? You know where else is laugh-free? You know where else is scared?
I have been doing comedy for 2 years and this is my favorite part
Everyone knows where but I say it anyway
Hell is
A different woman that I am not looking at starts to cry
A different woman that I am not looking at muffles a cough
Some kid gets up to use the bathroom
Satan is real, brothers and sisters
That fucking kid is missing this
Satan doesn’t take a break when you’re busy laughing at my extremely popular comedy
Right now, out there, he’s poaching the lost and cutting off their genitals
Right now he’s drinking the blood of your co-workers, your friends, and Catholics
So what are you gonna do about it
She looks up and I smile
There is a bead of sweat dripping off the end of my moustache
There is a string attached from my heart to her temple
I swoon and praise the Lord
I swoon and raise my hands
Glory Glory, praise unto him, amen
Omaha is mine tonight


I have to talk about an extremely strange lucid dream I just had
It is about 6:30 in the morning and I just woke up
It was incredibly scary
It was a nightmare

I was at a nightclub
I didn’t have any money on me

but then I had money on me
A kid looked weird
I said something is about to happen

all of a sudden there was a gunshot
I ran outside
I was outside or whatever
There was concrete or whatever
There were about a dozen cops or whatever

We were all walking around
All of a sudden I realized I had seen this all before
I went up to a lady woman cop

She was just standing there
I said you are never going to believe this but I have to tell you something
She called for backup
and I knew that I was in a dream

I knew that she was a real demon
a third person showed up
I didn’t see him
all of a sudden my head was in a vice
all of a sudden I felt pressure
right here
on my head

I thought, this is unusual
whale noises started to happen
Sigourney Weaver shit

The guy looked like a Goth or a butler
and then I woke up

I hope you can see why this was definitely worth putting on YouTube


I haven’t made a video in a while
but I wanted to share a story with you

Last night I had my first lucid dream
and it happened to be a nightmare

It was totally weird
pretty much what the dream was

was I was sleeping in bed
I woke up and tried to walk out the door

I couldn’t control my legs
my mind was distorted

You aren’t going to believe this
but all of a sudden this guy came in

and he is someone in my real life
so I am not going to say his name

but he pretty much trapped me
and was trying to do stuff to me

but then I realized I was dreaming
and then I knew I was in control

I looked down at my hands and made them turn into eagle heads

I pretty much don’t remember anything else

Oh by the way
I wanted to let you guys know that I am going to be making way more videos this summer now that my school is out

I am going to be making some vegan recipe videos
some fun things

and I also have a couple theories I want to share with you guys!

Follow my twitter
Peace out!


Hey guys, what’s up?

Okay so months and months ago I made a video called THE DANGERS OF ASTRAL PROJECTION

I only got one comment on the video

It said that the video should be deleted

That made me sad

In everything we do in everyday life we take risks in everything we do

Like when you are doing nothing wrong and a drunk driver takes your life

With Astral Projection, the only danger is your own mind

Some people are afraid that something will attach itself to their sleeping body

Go to places like graveyards or legit real haunted houses or places like museums

You realize that things attach to you all the time

Something attaching to your sleeping body is not a bad thing so don’t worry

Other people are like, what if my silver cord gets cut?

For those of you who don’t know, your silver cord is what connects your soul to your body

Trust me, there is a 99% chance that your silver cord will not get cut

I’ve only heard one case of this happening to someone, and they weren’t even a nice person

It’s unlikely that your silver cord will get cut

It’s true, if you piss off the wrong spirits they are not going to be very happy about it

If you are going to Astral Project, you have to study all types of beings

Demons are scary but if you are friendly with them they will appreciate you

Post comments if you have any fears you want to discuss

Raul Alvarez is the author of There Was So Much Beautiful Left (Boost House, 2015). His work has appeared in PANK, Pinwheel, Ghost Proposal, Court Green, Asymmetric Magazine, and elsewhere. He holds an MFA from Columbia College Chicago and works for the Northwest Immigrant Rights Project in Seattle. You can read more of his work at raulrafaelalvarez.com.